I never thought, that morning in early October 2016, how quickly my life could be tossed into a tailspin. I had no clue then how much pain and loss can be crammed into a few minutes—a few seconds—in a day. I also had no clue as to how much the Lord’s presence could be felt even when you’re facing your worst nightmare.
I had no idea. And in many, many ways, I’m glad I didn’t. But as I’ve thought back on the day my oldest brother committed suicide, I’m often struck not with the ugliness and agony of that day (although that was most definitely there), but more with the love—the love that can only come from Jesus—that flowed to, over, and around us in that time.
It still makes me want to cry when I think about it. His love is beyond explanation.
I didn’t—don’t—want to write about this detail in our family’s history. It’s ugly. It’s awful. But at the same time, as month after month slides by, I’m coming to realize that not talking about a thing (surprise!) doesn’t make it just disappear. This is what happened. And as I’ve been pondering and praying about what to blog about, this is the detail that I keep coming back to:
God is good, even when life is a horrific mess.
Just recently, I was reminded of those beautiful verses in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 that go like this:
“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
God’s comfort toward us was shown in a very mighty way over the months following my brother’s death. While I don’t want to “glorify” his death in any way, or “rub it in your face”, so to speak, I do think I’m going to talk about it sometimes from here on out. Because I know this is something—as ugly as it is—that I have learned a lot from, and if my experiences can be helpful to just one person, if these painful moments can help to comfort you in what you’re going through, I’ll count my time more than worthwhile.
I don’t know a lot. But I do know one thing: God is good. And I’d like to share just a little of that with you over the next while.
Have you been through some tough stuff in your life? Did you experience the Lord’s nearness in that? What did He teach you in that time?
Rachel Crosswhite says
Thank you for sharing, dear Esther! This was encouraging to me today. =) Love you much!
Esther Filbrun says
You’re welcome, Rachel! Glad it was encouraging! 🙂
Lisa V Peterson says
Thanks for sharing, Esther. God has pointed out to me that there is a lot more growth in the bottom of a valley than there is on the top of a mountain. Those painful times of brokenness are where He can really bring about change and growth in our lives. I’m looking forward to seeing you in Michigan in June.
Esther Filbrun says
You’re welcome, Lisa! And yes, that’s so true—but also so, SO painful. Thankful for the everlasting arms that are with us in that. We really couldn’t make it without Him. Looking forward to seeing you as well! Can’t wait.